Defining You

"In haste nobody can come to know himself. It is a very very deep awaiting. Infinite patience is needed...When you move inwards you will come to the light without any source. In that light, for the first time you start understanding yourself, who you are..."

-Osho from "What is Meditation"

The self. No answer has ever satisfied anyone fully as to what is the self. I think that there is no answer that can truly be found. Only the ability to know oneself at a single moment is possible. You can know yourself completely for that one moment. You will grasp it and hold onto it with all your might but then it will fall from your grasp as you grow. Only when you halt yourself, arrest yourself from everything around you can you move towards yourself

Emptiness

"If you really want to know who I am,
you will have to be absolutely empty as I am.
Then two mirrors will be facing each other,
and only emptiness will be mirrored."

-Osho

What exactly is emptiness?

Is it that empty feeling that you get when your heart has been ripped out and you think you can't feel anything? You walk mindlessly around with mechanical motions only scraping by? Is it that emptiness that wraps around you when you're faced with something that is beyond you? Is it that feeling that people get when they see something they think they need and they want so badly but they know it's impossible to obtain? That one unachievable goal that goes beyond the "nothing is impossible" and you must reach deep into the depths of hell to even hope to catch a glimmer of your desires?

I don't know. Just as you all, I am confused. I am a confused soul trying to find a mirror. What am I? Who am I? I hope to find a mirror so I can see myself, hoping deep inside that I might find something that is worth something. But then, do I really want to know what I am? I don't think it's ever that answer that we are really looking for: who am I? It's our scapegoat. What the rich is to the poor, what the poor is to the rich. What the lazy are to the driven, what the driven are to the lazy. We ask the question of who am I so we can stop thinking about what we can do.

I think that, right now, this is my emptiness. I find my purpose to be a scapegoat, something wrong because I sought an answer to something; this seeking only sought to make me stop seeking. So this emptiness is what is. Kind of my way, so to speak. Emptiness.

Like the man who does not seek to fill himself by driving forward with a purpose, but knows that he is in the present and that's all there really needs to be. Seeking no achievement, but only living.

Because the man who lives can be seen to be empty, empty of that drive, that greed, that which can be full of sin. And with living there is no need to be filled with emotion, but there is only the ability to be.

Can you imagine that 5 years ago we were such great friends? You and I were connected we read each other's thoughts, ate together worked together ran together laughed together.

Five Years ago in one week and 4 days I hold my greatest memory. You were to me everything that went right after everything just really went wrong. And nothing will ever change that, even as we drift apart and we don't talk and I can't talk really can I but can you talk to me do you even remember what happened so long ago? We drifted apart and you were never as affected or ever knew really of what I had gone through and we've both moved on.

But on days like this when I see the snow and I remember the biting cold that we endured as we went through those 3 movies hopping through the theater for so many hours it was so fun. I'll take a stop a breather a break that day when I get home and remember and maybe I'll write a letter to you. But I know I'll never send it to you because I know I'll never let you read it because both of us have moved on and now I'm looking back and I smile but I don't think too long because that's one thing I might just maybe fear.

Snow

Yeah,

Tonight everything will maybe just disappear.

For a while I'll sleep in that twilight zone and maybe

just maybe an angel will come by and wisk me away.

Last night was perfect

so perfect until everything went wrong

and now i'm left a husk, no shell,

dreaming about what should have been.

One day

I'll wake up

forgetting your look

as I turned away

and maybe

I'll smile

I'm decided.

I will learn this winter:
Korean.
Finish a Programming Book and focus on the way of thinking.
Exercise 2-3 hrs everyday.

Notes on Coal lol

Labadie Environmental Organization

1. Coal Combustion Waste
2. 135 Million Tons produced; second largest waste stream;
3. Little accountability and communication between levels of government
4. Utilizing Public Waterways-->For Pollutive Use
5. How do you manage communication between local government and national government.
6. Why is Coal a problem?
7. Chemicals cause problems
8. Environmental Pathways of CCW Contamination
9. Ground Water
10. drinking Water
11. Fugitive Parciiul= matter
12. Not one country can promote without encentive'
13. LEO's Basic Demands
14. Informed Decision making process:
15. Protective Sitting Criteria
16. sitting on our discussions, government is going to bed
17. Need Engaged Communities, Responsible Governemtn Dark n
18. Engaged/informed community, responsive government willing to regulate based on teh best science and responsivev and innovative bui
19. Lack of adequate regulation and monitoring in CCW Analysis

Actions

1. Partipate in discussions-locally, regionally, and internationally
2. Work Collaboratively
3. demand solutiosn and push governemnts to invest in renewable and sustainable energy production
4. only consir solutions that reduce toxic load
5. demand standards monitoring,a nd reporting and accountability by the leaders
6. Provide incentive for dialogue between smaller communities to understand Landfills and what happens with it's

A dark man blurs against the shadows as he follows through the crowd. Nobody sees him and nobody reacts to him; he is nothing against the onrush of thoughts and visions and goals and ideas and dreams and wishes that fight against him. He moves forward, each step pulling himself away, pulling, pushing himself through. No resistance against him but so much on him, he can't move, he must go forward there isn't anything he can do what will happen?